With two babies and a three year old and a mentality that at any point shit could hit the fan I gotta run baby run in these hot pants and flame outta the hole I’ve been in. Come on superwoman pants shake my toosh. It needs a good shake.

So what’s super woman pants gonna do? Wow, she’s gonna smile and be grateful for each moment to herself. She’ll start to enjoy her kids and even teach them. She’ll eat right and feel better and might even get out of the house more then once a week. Worry will be bashed in its evil head and replaced by action. Doughnuts can die! lol!

Super woman pants will have more patience and be less mean with her three year old.

Now don’t have any misconceptions. This new me will by far not be perfect but man she already feels so much better. I feel the shift. That is how my life works. I’m getting kinda excited. I might even get to make my pieces again soon…In the next year at least. Wow, it would feel good to make a mosaic. To cut glass and dance and bleed with my glass and cry and smile for all the days I’ve waited to have my release…All the days I’ve waited to put back on my super woman pants.

My mom calls these days at least 5 or more times a day. I can only handle one or two or three conversations. When she started to tell me he was alive as a four year old boy and as an adult risen from the casket I lost my reserve. I can take A LOT. I’ve heard a bunch of crazy things over the years but that it hit hard and the tears came. I miss him in a way that can never be put in a box and described. I know you understand if you’ve lost someone close. It’s just what it is. Life brings death and we walk on and some of us carry tears. I’m sure as I get older I’ll carry more tears, but I’ll get stronger as I have this year.

It began with his sudden death and I was rocked as he would say into another dimension. My twins were born and I felt high with accomplishment. Four and half months later when Conner went in the hospital I know I had never felt so helpless in my entire life. Alfred and I were rocked and still are experiencing trauma as we struggle day to day to feed Conner. Just when we thought we’d break completely a part if anything else happened we found out our angel Alexi had a tumor in his wrist. He had surgery and we breathed a huge sigh of relief when we found it the tumor was benign. The tumor remaining in his finger we’d deal with in another fight. Then my mom disappeared. When she finally resurfaced she was more sick mentally then I’d ever seen her. She went to The Brook after I spent lots of time on the phone explaining to this and that person her situation. She is now at the Crisis Stabilization Unit at wellspring and I pray I can continue to have strength to take the steps needed to get her to the next levels of care.

And in between the lines there is a family who has lost and wakes up everyday to teething babies or three year old tantrums and we go on. I remind myself daily that others go through way harder struggles and remain strong. These brave souls are amongst us all.

And the Butterfly he tells me its gonna be ok. And I hum to myself to calm myself over and over in the day “OOOh OHH child things are gonna get easier…OOOh OOOh things will get brighter…Someday put it together and we’ll get it all done…” And I breathe. And I cry some more for the release is coming. The butterfly told me so.

What I know. We are all alive and here and for that I am grateful minus my brother who I haven’t had time to grieve since the birth of the twins. My husband is loving and right here with me. I am blessed. I know in the world that hardships can be way greater and yet people manage to smile and sing and dance. I want to aspire to these blessed people. Those that know suffering yet realize life is theirs now and the present moment is what counts. I am not there yet but writing this is a step in that direction, and I feel a catharsis coming over me as a write, and I realize I am proud of myself and my little family. I love my life and all the comes with it. I might be stuck very much in one place with my picture window and tv as my company, but I am on this journey, and I will rise above however long it takes me to do so, so I can be the best mother and wife to my boys in our time of suffering.

So now I look to the heavens and my brother relieved of his mortal burden flying with wings. I look to him as my guardian angel and my rock and I learn again how to pray.

And that is how they came to me: with the greatest struggle in pain. I always had heard women who had had natural non-medicated births talk about the ecstasy of birth. I could in no way relate and even felt a bit intimidated by their words.

At about 3 AM my water broke. I wasn’t having contractions so I went to get the huge bed pads that I had set out just in case this happened. I had had a very strong feeling it would happen THIS way and was prepared. I knew it could be a long time even with my water broke before contractions started, so I went back to sleep. I awoke about 5:30 AM or so with serious contractions. I knew right away they were coming. These contractions were way more intense then the contractions I had with my first son. I had not lost my water with him. I texted both my doulas. Two: one for each baby! Ha!
I am so grateful I had them Both. One of my birth doulas who is much more then a doula but really a lay midwife (who was doing me a huge favor by acting as my doula) and my other doula a woman who when I met her I knew I wanted holding my hand through the process. I don’t know what I would have done without them and my husband.

So Liz called me right back. She was up early that day because her sister was in a marathon or maybe it was a triathlon, but I knew she’d be up. She told me to wait until I felt I needed to wake Al and Then call her back when I needed her over. I waited til about 7ish to wake Al, I think. It may have been a bit earlier. Things were starting to tunnel in. All I could focus on was labor. I talked with Aundria, my other doula on the phone. I was feeling good for what I knew was going to be the ride of my life. When I woke up Al, I told him to call them both over to the house and that my toddler Alexi needed to go now. He was so cute skipping around the house as mommy struggled to bring his brothers into the world. When Aundria and Liz got to the house I can’t remember where I was but I remember Aundria saying, it was gorgeous and it was time for a walk. I was completely flabbergasted, but I trusted my ladies. We walked slowly down Ribble Road to the stop sign and back, It was very slow. It hurt so bad. Once we got close to getting back to the house I had slowed to a snails pace but man it got my labor going.

WE got back to the house and I got in the bath. People took turns pouring water over top of me. At some point Aundria knew by the sounds I was making that it was time. Liz and Aundria agreed and they came to talk to me. I can’t remember if it was before or after that but they had me eat. I had eggs and yogurt. I struggled through this, but I had a little.

I was pretty deep in the tunnel when they told me I needed to go on to the hospital. I didn’t want to go, but Al helped me get dressed really slowly. That was agony; Getting dressed.

So far everything just seemed to be following its path as it should with all the support that surrounded me. The ride to the hospital was not so bad. I expected it to be much worse with the bumps and such. I remembering moaning quite a bit and Al being completely calm. When we got there Aundria was waiting and Liz and Aundria and Al walked me up. We ignored the front registration and they told me to act as if I wasn’t in labor so we could sneak in. That was brilliant. By the time we got a room I was getting close to transition. The nurse looked more then a little bewildered. We told her to call Dr. Stell but she didn’t because they wanted to check me first. That was funny. I was 8 or 9 cm dilated. hehe! She kept trying to get the babies double-monitored but couldn’t find baby A. She tried and tried and tried. We asked if ultrasound wouldn’t be easier but only when Dr. Stell came did they finally do an ultrasound. Much easier. See they require in a twin birth that the babies are continuously monitored. This is why Twin mommas are not allowed to labor in the birthing tubs and why I did not come in when my water broke because hospital policy does a lot of things that is not in the best interest of the mother whether birthing twins or singletons. Clark is Awesome don’t get me wrong but for a twin birth you must fight doubly hard for your birth and for your babies. My twins had a despondency and B was breech so if we had come too early the concern would have been even thicker in the room. But by getting there so late on they didn’t have time to intervene. They had to help me deliver my baby. It was awesome!

Anyway, shes trying to double monitor me and I puke all over myself and that’s when they give up with that and Dr. Stell orders that we can just monitor them with ultrasound. Smart lady! And Yes she is there. She gets there fast. Sure she booked it when she found out her patient who she knew was stubborn as hell was 8 or 9 cm.

Dr. Stell says its time for us to walk or me to ride in a wheelchair to the OR. Twin births have to deliver in the OR especially if a baby is breech as B was. They ask me if I want clothes. I am thinking why the hell do I care. I walk naked to the OR with my support at both my sides.

Once in the OR there seems to be a million people. Contractions are intense but I can handle them. I remember Chance’s head hitting my pelvic bone. I remember the feeling as his head finally rounded over it. I remember the feeling as he emerged and I pushed like hell. He was born at about 3PM. Everyone was so excited. I wasn’t sure because I knew there was another baby. Another baby that was breech. I told Dr. Stell “I’m ready!!!” She was gonna pull him out by his feet. I was sooo ready. She did a quick ultrasound to see where he was. He flipped right there. He was no longer breech. I swear to me it sounded like the room burst out in clapping but maybe it was just my imagination. I was flipping out. It meant i had to push another baby out. I was so damn tired. Another baby out. Breech seemed easy at this point.

The contractions started to lesson and when they came they felt worse. We moved me in what seemed like every position imaginable. I nursed Chance to bring about contractions. These were the worst contractions I have ever felt. A couple hours passed. I was starting to freak. At one point I lost my marbles. I started screaming for an epidural or anything. I felt as if it could not happen. I could not push hard enough. Funny but true..I felt like I needed a nap. Finally Dr. Stell broke Conner’s water. That sucked! Now it hurt even worse and I pleaded for interventions. Thank goodness I had made an agreement with my doulas that even if I begged that was not what I wanted. Dr. Stell suggested after over 2.5 hours of pushing that we could try the vacuum. I agreed. I pushed and Dr. Stell assisted with the vacuum to help me get Conner’s head over my pelvic bone. I pushed again without the vacuum and he was out at around 6PM. I was elated. I then had to deliver the placentas. Both babies were in my arms. It hurt to deliver the placentas and when they came out I lost A LOT of blood. They helped me move from the OR table to a bed. I never felt a softer bed in my life. While I was rolled to recovery Conner latched on all by himself! Chance laid snuggled in my arms. I was in heaven. Later when I tried to pee I passed out. They suggested i get a blood transfusion. The next day I did. They were here. My boys were here. Here and healthy and this Momma knew after birthing her boys that she could do it! She would do it. It was miraculous. We are women. WE are powerful.

So much has happened John since we last talked. I have grown up so much. You’d be so proud of me. I am working on being more like you. You have big shoes to fill! This weekend mom sees the twins for the second time and my fog lifts more and more. Last weekend Uncle David and Susan came over. You know I hadn’t seen them since I was a teenager. Stupid family grudges!!! The weekend before I saw Aunt Lisa and Gerry. I am trying to process all this…And without you it is very hard to do.

I wanna call you. I wanna share it with you, and I feel bad like such an idiot for not reconciling before you went away. I would have made you so happy. I wonder if my fog hurt you as bad as I think it did. My denial. My stubborn soul. So I try to be more like you. In my 15 minutes I listen to your last album.

You were listening to Tom Petty’s Wildflowers and I cry because you never get to know how strong your sister was having her babies. Or how strong your parents are grieving your death…or how my twin Chance looks like dad or Conner like Alfred…And that Alexi is your spitting image. He acts so much like you did when I was born. It is so much so that dad had a hard time with it. He hurt so missing you. Our birthday month. Where are you?

You are gone. I am lost in so many ways without you. Tom Petty says its time to move on…time to get going…what lies ahead I have no way of knowing, and I see you on the path to the great unknown and I wonder so many things. I question everything. I love greater. I feel the preciousness of life so much more. I’ll tell you more another day…my brother…my angel. That ends our 15 minutes:)

As my mom used to say

But even if I am wrong

And there is no spirit world

No world of awe

You know the one

You can slide down rainbows

And look after your loved ones still living

The place we reunite with those departed

And we refuel for our next trip

to the physical…

Maybe I am just cooky.

And this isn’t really true.

It’s just what my mind makes up to cope with

This

This

Unbearable loss.

Those of you that have lost ones close

you Know what I mean

I guess

The best answer I have

Is screw it.

Let my mind

Its beautiful protection mechanisms comfort me.

Fucking screw it!

I might be cooky, but I might be right.

And it doesn’t matter.

Not really

Because even if this world, this one world

Is it

Is this it?

If this is it, then you, you my loved one.

You are in me.

I feel you all over me.

Your grace surrounds me and

I vow

As your sister, and your biggest fan.

To carry your message.

Because you are still a light.

Even if you needed to blow out your earthly one…

I’ll be watching for signs.

I’ll remember that I know nothing.

But I will always carry you

I carry you, my sweet brother until I am ash.

I carry you

There were two of us, and I still can’t wrap my mind around the thought that your physical self is gone. We didn’t get a last Doodle John thing. You know like we would do, and please say it’s real that your spirit is with me. That you are standing by me as I write this cause otherwise I really don’t know how to go on. Because you were supposed to be with me for a very long time, and I know we weren’t twins, but you were it. You were my big brother, and I was the other half. The more whiny half for sure but you loved me, and I loved you. You took care and I know you would hate to see all this pain. I know you were in so much pain here you couldn’t see quite how much your loss would hurt us so, but we loved you, we love you sooo much. And we feel so deficient. We know we couldn’t have necessarily done anything, but we aren’t sure, not really. Because we could have been more accepting and more graceful and more like you. But we weren’t. We were more selfish and me in a bubble that I want to scream at myself for. There was nothing more important to me then you, mom, and dad, and I went and tried to block shit out. I am so sorry. I miss you so much. I am so sad. John, please say there is shit on the other side cause the only way I can deal is knowing there is. You need to come talk to me more. Please. I know you are supposedly dead. I know I held your dead hand and you were burned and made to ashes, but I turned the other day and swore it would be you. I can handle it. Please come see me. Please. I feel you’ve talked to me and come in my dreams, but I wanna see you more. I feel like I’m falling. Like I’m losing you. I can’t lose you. You are my big brother. You meant the world to me. Please. I love you. doodle

Man, I am on a kick. I just love him so much. Even with all the turmoil we went through and leaving my home at 15 with what felt like to me nothing but a few boxes to fend for myself. He has still always been my rock and my guide. We both have known such great pain and we have known it together. He taught me how you cope with a mentally ill mother and brother. He put the lock on my door when I was ten and afraid of her. He protected me. He still does. I will always protect him too. We have great loves in our lives and my dad is one of mine. I treasure him. I know he treasures me because his actions show me everyday. Love, Love, Love! Love is life’s blood! And you know I’m on the verge of tears.

Breathing treatments, needles, medicine, and plenty of questions later accompanied by the usual lack of sleep and misery experienced in the hospital we brought you home. And baby, sweet baby boy, you sleep comfortable in your bed, comfortable in your home, and forever in our arms. We will never leave you baby boy. We cry and smile and feel in a bigger and more sublime way all because of you. Our universe is you little boy. Our everything. Mommy and Daddy love you baby boy.